The Cat and the Mouse …and a shaggy dog story
A single Act Play involving, uh? You got it. One Black Cat and One Tiny Mouse.
CAT
(spotting it scurrying away across the yard – pounces after it, corners it)
Hey Mouse! Take it EASY. I don’t wanna hurt you. I don’t even wanna eat you.
MOUSE
(frozen to the spot, eyes darting left, right looking for escape route) Expect me to believe that?
CAT
Sure – I wanna play. We cats like to play, y’know.
MOUSE
OK OK Let’s play Hide and Seek. You count to ten and I’ll …………(zooms across the yard. Only to be pawed back)
CAT
Hey, not so fast. Let me see you dance
MOUSE
I can dance on your monitor. Shut your eyes and ……(scuttles backwards reverse direction smooz!)
CAT
Nope. Tell you what, let’s have a race.
MOUSE
But you will win
CAT
Hmmm. OK, I will tie both my hind legs together.
MOUSE
I want fair play. I want a referee because you will cheat.
(Enter Murdoch the Bulldog – still only two players, Murdoch is no real character)
MURDOCH
Zzzzzzzzzz’zzzzz’ zzzz’ zzzzzzz what? WHAT?
Alright then, where? (ties up the Cat’s hind legs and whiskers for good measure) Where was I? Oh zzzz’ zzzz
MOUSE
What possible motivation do I have to compete against a bully like you?
CAT
Er? Right. Hey Murdoch
MURDOCH
What. WHAT? Alright then, where? (waddles off and forages around the kitchen for cheeses. Finds loads of ‘em and piles them high in the far distant corner of the courtyard ~ a mere speck in the distance). Where was I? Oh yeah. Zzz’ zzzzz
CAT
There – See! Motivation.
MOUSE
You will still win even with three legs.
CAT
Oh I’m getting fed up with you. Right. Murdoch!
MURDOCH
What. WHAT? Alright then, where? (Wanders off and comes back with an eye patch, places it on Cat’s Head).
CAT
Stupid dog! I want to be blindfolded. Can’t you see? I’m reducing the odds in the race. And, I can still see you, dollop!
MURDOCH
Alright then, here (whacks the Cat in the other eye. Swells up and closes) There you are, now where was I? Oh yeah,
Zzzzz’ zzzzz, zzzz
MOUSE
You will still win. You’ re much bigger than me.
CAT
Right, I see your point. Well you can start halfway through the race. Am I being fair?
MOUSE
And you still want to race me, uh?
CAT
Murdoch! Wake up, you’re the referee and you must put us under starters orders.
MURDOCH
What WHAT? Alright then, where? (The fat, lazy dog slouches over to the starting line where Cat and Mouse are playing cat and mouse itching and raring to go. Dog takes a deep breath. Cat still itching. Tension mounts. Ready, steady .. Murdoch lets out a mighty fart – and they’re OFF! ) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, zzz ‘ zzzzzz, zzzzz.
CAT
Alright Mouse, I can see you (nudging off the eye patch) now who’s in a hurry here? (licks his paws).
MOUSE (shitting itself and scampering for dear life cheese or no cheese). Puff Puff Puff can’t catch me..
CAT (Arches the back and stiffens)
Run, little mouse, Run!
MOUSE (panting, muttering)
Faster, faster
CAT
Ha ha, pathetic little rodent (Perceives his prey just a few yards shy off the finishing post. Uh? You think you’ve sussed this one? Hare and Tortoise scenario? Snigger Snigger). Right, here we go….
MOUSE
And, here I go….
MURDOCH
Zzzzz ‘ zzzzzz’ zzzzzzzz’ uh? Zzzzz
MOUSE
Puff Puff ..Cat thinks I’m stupid (sharply veers to the right. Cat screeches in his tracks, leaps to the right lashing out with its paw and lands in a stinking puddle)
CAT
Decoy, huh? Oh I lurve these games. Gimme Gimme Gimme…
Mouse is lured on lemming fashion seduced by cheesy wafts, and was just about to cross the finishing line when
CAT
Oh no you don’t (An outstretched feline paw lands on him hauling him backwards) I lurve to play (sinks his sharp claws into the squealing rodent, bites its neck, tosses it about and kills it). I just hate losing!
Anyone contest the result? (looks around and purrs)
(And there was not a word from the mouse or the dog)
The End.
Moral: Beware of bad losers.
Unashamedly written by Allan Wolfe
19th April 2001.
Didn’t you like it? Then try another ending.
Ending # Two
CAT
Oh no you don’t (An outstretched feline paw lands on him hauling him backwards toying with him) I just lurve to play.
(Mouse freezes petrified, eyes darting hither and thither. Cat licks its whiskers and lunges at him but the mouse gets away and scuttles under the mound of cheeses.
You lost little mouse. You’re the loser! And I’ll have you for dinner.
(Mouse retreats further into the pile of cheeses. Back, back, back and falls down a hole. Cat frantically paws the various cheeses aside until he sees the broken drain. The mouse looks up at the skylight and blinks. And the more frustrated the cat becomes the more pieces of cheese fall down the hole until a little mountain piles up in the drain. This drain was like a city highway for the our mouse and by now two of his colony had joined him eager for the feast.
MOUSE (with shall we say a certain bravado) Of course, I was always in control. I won and this is my prize, for the loser it simply was a
Cat-astrophe.
(and as he spoke a lunging black paw swept the hole narrowly missing him)
The End.
Moral: Major Tom to Mouse Control.
Ending # Three
CAT
Oh no you don’t, (An outstretched feline paw lands upon him hauling it backwards) I lurve to play..(sinks his sharp claws into the squealing rodent, bites his neck, tosses it about mercilessly). I just hate losing!
Anyone contesting the result? (looks around and sees grumpy Murdoch charging towards him like an angry rhino)
MURDOCH
What. What? I hate that noise. (Cat flees panic stricken dragging the mouse by its tail. Murdoch barks and roars and the Cat clatters up a nearby tree. Up and up and up to safety. As the cat squats and peers down at the barking mad animal below the mouse slips out of its clenched teeth and falls to the ground killing itself outright on a stone. Nearby a rifle shot goes off missing a pheasant but hitting the cat in the tree causing it to slump and come crashing down. Murdoch wanders over and sniffs it)
Stupid race, but as race referee I have to declare it a dead heat! Now, where was I? Oh yes, peace at last (yawns and stretches itself in the sun) zzzzz.zzzzz zzzz
….zzzzzzzz
The End.
Moral: No RACE is safe with Murdoch around.